motokomaharet: (Default)
motokomaharet ([personal profile] motokomaharet) wrote2013-04-17 09:09 am

stuff

Well, hello dreamwidth I just remembered all about you. I haven't been here in ages. I have had bad days and good days since I was here last. I'm not sure why I remembered now, but hey, who cares. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want to be made to feel special or at least something special done for me. I don't specialwhat or why, and that is the question that is plaguing my mind. Why. Why do I want to feel special or want something special done. I don't fully understand. And this bothers me.
I know I was strong, confident and positive once soon a time and I know I have depression now, but I want that person back.
I have been thinking about my future and what I want to do with it. Part of that has included reading up on auras and how to see them, which I can, heal them and help people through understanding them.

Should I do a PhD on the topic? Should I do a PhD? Should I do a PhD on something else that is more likely to get a scholarship?
Should I find a good stable job? Can I get a good stable job?

Today I don't really care. I have to get marking done and I don't want to do it, but I am going to uni to work. As that way there are less distractions than at home.
narrativian: Antony Gormley art light cage (L: trapped)

[personal profile] narrativian 2013-04-17 06:56 am (UTC)(link)
May you have a birthday that doesn't suck.

You're not the only person who forgot about Dreamwidth. Most of what was once a coterie of reasonable people seem to also have forgot LiveJournal. I've no idea where they went; if it was to Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr or Pinterest or who-knows-the-feck-what-other-flavour-of-the-month-site, I know not, since I refuse to dirty myself by interacting with those soiled and shallower spaces. But hey, you posted and I am answering, so it's not all a total loss :-)

I know I was strong, confident and positive once soon a time and I know I have depression now, but I want that person back.

No two depressions are the same but at the same time I do resonate. To quote myself from elsewhere a few days ago:

Black Dog at the moment is so cyclic it's almost amusing. I muzzle it, it gets loose and bites me, I muzzle it again, it gets loose and bites me, lather, rinse, repeat. I go back and forth between general joy of being alive and 'FFS stop being such a coward and just kill yourself, you useless cow' at the speed of a Wimbledon final.

And yet we survive. And better, or Less Worse, is always a possibility.

steamcat: (Dr Who: D11 & Amy You are fantastic)

[personal profile] steamcat 2013-04-19 08:28 am (UTC)(link)
I hope you did feel special for your birthday, and were reminded of how many people love you and love being around you.

As for why you might want to be made to feel special - depression IS why! When we're down, when we're depressed and can't see why someone might consider us special, can't believe that anyone could, that's exactly when we need to feel special the most.

Beyond that, I have two things for you:

Proof that humanity can be a beautiful thing!

Sometimes you need to forget about the sensible or practical thing and do something that makes you feel alive!