Wednesday, April 17th, 2013 09:09 am
motokomaharet: (Default)
[personal profile] motokomaharet
Well, hello dreamwidth I just remembered all about you. I haven't been here in ages. I have had bad days and good days since I was here last. I'm not sure why I remembered now, but hey, who cares. It's my birthday tomorrow and I want to be made to feel special or at least something special done for me. I don't specialwhat or why, and that is the question that is plaguing my mind. Why. Why do I want to feel special or want something special done. I don't fully understand. And this bothers me.
I know I was strong, confident and positive once soon a time and I know I have depression now, but I want that person back.
I have been thinking about my future and what I want to do with it. Part of that has included reading up on auras and how to see them, which I can, heal them and help people through understanding them.

Should I do a PhD on the topic? Should I do a PhD? Should I do a PhD on something else that is more likely to get a scholarship?
Should I find a good stable job? Can I get a good stable job?

Today I don't really care. I have to get marking done and I don't want to do it, but I am going to uni to work. As that way there are less distractions than at home.

Date: 2013-04-17 06:56 am (UTC)
narrativian: Antony Gormley art light cage (L: trapped)
From: [personal profile] narrativian
May you have a birthday that doesn't suck.

You're not the only person who forgot about Dreamwidth. Most of what was once a coterie of reasonable people seem to also have forgot LiveJournal. I've no idea where they went; if it was to Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr or Pinterest or who-knows-the-feck-what-other-flavour-of-the-month-site, I know not, since I refuse to dirty myself by interacting with those soiled and shallower spaces. But hey, you posted and I am answering, so it's not all a total loss :-)

I know I was strong, confident and positive once soon a time and I know I have depression now, but I want that person back.

No two depressions are the same but at the same time I do resonate. To quote myself from elsewhere a few days ago:

Black Dog at the moment is so cyclic it's almost amusing. I muzzle it, it gets loose and bites me, I muzzle it again, it gets loose and bites me, lather, rinse, repeat. I go back and forth between general joy of being alive and 'FFS stop being such a coward and just kill yourself, you useless cow' at the speed of a Wimbledon final.

And yet we survive. And better, or Less Worse, is always a possibility.

April 2013

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